A few weeks ago I was sent a summons by the Federal Court in Sherman to appear for jury duty. I've always wanted to be a juror but in 54 years I've never been called. I figured that somewhere, something kept my name from being selected and just accepted that as my lot. Oh well... bigger things to worry about I guess so I never paid it much mind.
When this recent summons arrived I was kinda excited about the opportunity to be a juror. I remember in High School going to the Van Nuys court house after school a few times to sit in a court room to just watch. That was before the full body scanners and very tight security. You were free to roam in and out of courtrooms at will. I thought it was interesting and a fun way to spend a hot afternoon in a cool courthouse.
The only case I remember somehow involved a typewriter. Remember those? And a brother-in-law who got angry and threw someones new ROYAL (why do I remember the brand???) typewriter out the window. One guy was suing the other for the cost of the typewriter and the damage to the window. Small potatoes but it must of made an impression on me, I remember the brand of the typewriter 38 years later. :0)
Today was a bit different. We were told to arrive at 8:45 to go through the security process to enter the building. Business attire. We had to forfeit our bottled water and reading materials, all phones and camera's were either confiscated or you were instructed to take them back to the car. BUT DON'T BE LATE~ One lady had her banana confiscated!
It was a slow arduous process. It was like watching corn grow, or maybe watching paint dry. Which is slower? Because that is what it was. The participants and court officials seemed to only have one speed... SLOOOOOW. Nothing seemed to excite them or motivate them to move any faster. We waited.
We filled the forms out that were intended to give the attorneys some insight to our expereinces and biases. A few were singled out to answer specific questions based on those same forms. Then... we waited.
The judge came out and asked us to wait in the hallway. So we all filed out into the hall where there were seats for 10 of us. BUT ...there were 65 of us. I know this because I was number 65!
This is a side note to what I learned today but it really irritated me so i'm going to mention it here. Many of these prospective jurors were seniors, I mean one woman was 75 and another was 80. They never complained but do you think some of the younger people would get up and offer one of the rare seats to them? NOPE!! NOT ONE DID!! We waited almost 30 minutes in that hot hallway and not one person offered their seat to a senior. UGH!!! And we aren't talkin' young like 20, we are talking like 40!! 2 seconds more and I was about to embarrass a few (and maybe myself) by asking them in front of everyone else to please get up and let the older ladies sit down. I was saved by the Marshall who ushered us back into the courtroom where....we waited.
This exercise of being ushered to the hallway happened a few times and it's where my lesson happened.....
A few of us were griping about the speed of justice (or lack of) and how there certainly had to be a speedier method to this jury selection process. We weren't really upset or being snotty, just thinking outloud and maybe a bit fussy for the lack of seats in the hallway and crummy A/C system. It was 103 in Texas today and the men were required to wear a suit and tie! There were lots of comments.... Could they be better prepared, turn down the A/C, why can't I have my bottled water? You know, just things people think about when they have idle time and are a bit uncomfortable.
WEEELLLLLL.... There were about 6-8 of us in this one group that stood on the stair landing. I'd say the average age was 50'ish and a combo of men and women. Just idle chit-chat while ...we waited.
Water, seats, A/C, etc, etc, etc and up speaks this Chinese man in the group. "I dont want to be critical", he says, "but where I come from we don't have trials. If you are arrested you go to prison, you don't get to defend yourself in a court and we don't even know what a JURY is. And when you do go to prison you often don't get out." He continued to say that while we may find this a inconveinence he is proud to be here and glad to get the chance to be part of a jury. He liked the concept. He told us how in China, if someone thinks you broke a law the judge made your sentence. Often you didn't even know which law you were accused of breaking and there was certainly no opportunity to defend yourself or present your side of the story. Arrested=guilty=prison. You aren't allowed to speak in a Chinese court, only the judge speaks, he said
MAN!! Talk about feeling dopey in 30 seconds flat!! This Chinese man was so careful to not insult us and make us feel bad, but he did. He was so grateful to be a part of something many of us take for granted. I know I did.
This man made all of us reflect a bit on the process we were apart of and how important it was that people were willing serve. Sure it was an inconvienence to be in Sherman by 8:30. I'm busy, Ya know!!
Well, after that break/conversation we filed back into the courtroom a bit more humble and with a changed attitude about this "inconvienence".
If not me, who? I kept asking myself that as...we waited~
These defendants needed a fair and impartial jury to either clear them or convict them. It's part of how our system works. And it ONLY works because people are willing to serve on juries.
I was REJECTED!! I didn't get picked. It felt sorta like in 8th grade when you didn't get picked and were left standing while teams were formed. I tried not to take it personally and I hope I get another chance to SERVE. It's my duty and I will be more thoughtful about it next time.
Thanks Mr Chinese Man. I try to learn something new each day and today was a doozie!
R.I.P. Betty Ford. I met you a few years ago in Palm Desert. I was at a wedding at the Marriot and you and President Ford were in the hotel having dinner. You stuck your head into the ballroom to "see what was going on". You came in to greet the bride and groom and to take a few pictures. I'm not sure they knew who you were. LOL They were young~ But they knew you were important and took the time to come in. Mr Ford danced with the bride. Those pictures will be priceless in a few years to them.
I have always admired you for your candor, your willingness to say what's on your mind and to go against the flow when you felt the need.
You spoke about your breast cancer and mastectomy when it was still considered a "bad word" and not spoken about publically. You admited a problem with the "drink" and as a result have impacted 90,000 lives that have been through the Betty Ford center. You made a difference.
What a legacy!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Success?
Success? What is it? What do you do with it? How do you know if you reach "it"?
What if we aren't sucessful yet, but just more successful than we were and this looks like it because we have moved far off the bottom.
For 14 years I've always been able to pay the bills. Sometimes during the rough spots it wouldn't be on time, but they always got paid. To cope with those trying times I adopted the notion that due dates were merely suggestions. It was easier that way. That way if someone called me, pissy about a late payment I could say to them, "whatchu gettin' all fussy about?? It will get there soon, or soonish. It's not late, it's just not there on your suggested due date. CHILL~" Some saw my humor, others not so much~ Oh well...
These aren't times where success is a word bantered around much. I've been a bit tentative to even think much on it because I understand so many are still struggling in these current conditions. It is not lost on me that we are an exception in our industry , rather than a rule right now. It's also not lost on me that it could all change tomorrow and we'd back where we were 3 years ago.
But back to my question.....How do you define success? How do you know when you reach it? Are there levels of success 2..5..10??? Can you claim to reach "it" if you are only on level 1? Is that dopey and disengenious?
We've worked very hard. VERY HARD. We've all brought a different skill set to the equation. I don't really think we'd be anywhere near here if any one of those components were absent. We've made a good team. Not always a cohesive or happy team, but we've been a true team none the less.
I spend a lot of time on this question. I think I just need a marker of sorts to say HERE... ON THIS SPOT is success. Back there was UNSUCCESS. I need to know where that line is now. When do you cross over? I feel sorta like I'm running a race but there is no finish line. You just keep running and doing your best, but there is no where to say FINISHED... i.e.. reached success.
I think even a conceptual finish line would help me. Because once you cross the finish line you can assess your time? Did you do well? Beat your previous race? Is there potential for improvement? Did you run a good race, were you a good sport and run a fair race? There don't seem to be any markers to assess your success. One day your just wake up and declare it?
That doesn't make sense! It needs to be more tangible somehow.
I try to think of all the things that have helped make us ***that word*** and some of it is nothing but luck! There isn't an ice cubes chance in hell that we'd be this far if I had birthed normal size GIRLS!! In fact I doubt we'd even be a blip on the screen if I'd birthed girls at all. Chances aren't great they'd of been normal size anyways, but still.....
What if we aren't sucessful yet, but just more successful than we were and this looks like it because we have moved far off the bottom.
For 14 years I've always been able to pay the bills. Sometimes during the rough spots it wouldn't be on time, but they always got paid. To cope with those trying times I adopted the notion that due dates were merely suggestions. It was easier that way. That way if someone called me, pissy about a late payment I could say to them, "whatchu gettin' all fussy about?? It will get there soon, or soonish. It's not late, it's just not there on your suggested due date. CHILL~" Some saw my humor, others not so much~ Oh well...
These aren't times where success is a word bantered around much. I've been a bit tentative to even think much on it because I understand so many are still struggling in these current conditions. It is not lost on me that we are an exception in our industry , rather than a rule right now. It's also not lost on me that it could all change tomorrow and we'd back where we were 3 years ago.
But back to my question.....How do you define success? How do you know when you reach it? Are there levels of success 2..5..10??? Can you claim to reach "it" if you are only on level 1? Is that dopey and disengenious?
We've worked very hard. VERY HARD. We've all brought a different skill set to the equation. I don't really think we'd be anywhere near here if any one of those components were absent. We've made a good team. Not always a cohesive or happy team, but we've been a true team none the less.
I spend a lot of time on this question. I think I just need a marker of sorts to say HERE... ON THIS SPOT is success. Back there was UNSUCCESS. I need to know where that line is now. When do you cross over? I feel sorta like I'm running a race but there is no finish line. You just keep running and doing your best, but there is no where to say FINISHED... i.e.. reached success.
I think even a conceptual finish line would help me. Because once you cross the finish line you can assess your time? Did you do well? Beat your previous race? Is there potential for improvement? Did you run a good race, were you a good sport and run a fair race? There don't seem to be any markers to assess your success. One day your just wake up and declare it?
That doesn't make sense! It needs to be more tangible somehow.
I try to think of all the things that have helped make us ***that word*** and some of it is nothing but luck! There isn't an ice cubes chance in hell that we'd be this far if I had birthed normal size GIRLS!! In fact I doubt we'd even be a blip on the screen if I'd birthed girls at all. Chances aren't great they'd of been normal size anyways, but still.....
Friday, June 3, 2011
Choosing how you die is the ultimate liberty.
Jack Kervorkian died today. I doubt there is anyone over 21 that doesn't recognize his name. Dr Kevorkian fought hard for our right to the greatest liberty of all. Choosing how we die.
I've been furious at the radio today. Unfortunately here in DFW there aren't alot of varied talk radio stations. They all suck! They are all card carrying conservatives/republicans on the airways here. I'm not.
Today on the radio most of the discussion was spent assailing Dr Kevorkian, this man who fought for MY right to decide when I've had enough or when MY pain has become unbearable/uncontrollable. Dr Kevorkian fought for MY choice to decide when the end is welcomed.
These same "conservatives" have no problem taking a life when we call it "war". It seems to be ok if we take someone elses live, but to take our own.....OH NO~ that's unacceptable? Against the rules of nature? Yeah, maybe, but so is killing someone else because you think they are wrong or in your way for political reasons. Innocent bystanders, women and children are killed in wars all the time, but it's ok because it's a necessary evil of war. Shit happens, right??
We are allowed to take our own life as long as we do it according to the rules. We can buy cigarettes as long as the state can make a profit on it. It's a slow death and sanctioned by the state, but a certain death according to the statistics. That's different~
We can buy alcohol or drugs and kill ourselves that way as long as they are taxed. Legalized and taxed seems to be the key. Quick and intentional is not. That's different.
I bet suicide would be legalized if we could find a way to tax it. By the way, Suicide is illegal?? What moron spent time and money to pass that bill?? The penalty to kill yourself is what? A Fine? Jail time? Community service? Geeesh! What a waste of time and ink to write that law. DOPES!!
Why is it ok and morally acceptable to euthanize a dog if the pain and quality of life has become untolerable and we are convinced that it is in the dog's best interest? How do we square that? My vet recently told me that we may need to consider Abby's "quality of life and our ability to control her pain". Euthanasia might need to be considered, he said. That's different~
Somehow we are able to extend compassion to an animal but deny it for ourselves and our loved ones. That's different?
I appreciate all Dr Kevorkian tried to accomplish for us. I know the costs were high and I hope he knew his efforts were appreciated. He fought to bring dignity to the deathbed.
I may never choose this option. I pray I never need to. But would I want that choice to be mine? ABSOLUTELY!
For those that tell me it's against the will of God. I will work out the details with Him on my judgement day. I will ask Him how come it's ok to kill someone else? How come it's justified for all those different reasons we've accumulated..... war, death penalty, cost overrides...? How come it's ok when it's done "for cause". But not when it's by MY choice?
I don't understand that hypocrisy. I don't think I want to understand it. I don't like it. I don't like the rationalization that it requires. I think it blows!
Dr Kevorkian died in a hospital, hooked up to machines. It was probably his worse nightmare and I think it's fair to assume against his wishes. I read that he was too weak and unable to protest in the end. A sad irony.
Let this be my warning to everyone!! Don't pull that shit on me! If I can't talk or participate in my own end care...... and you'all leave me hooked up to a bunch of wires and crap, i'll come back to haunt the livin' daylights out of you! GOT IT???
Dr Kevorkian may not of been sucessful in the end to change the laws and how we think about death. But we certainly know who he is and what he believed. I respect that about him.
I've been furious at the radio today. Unfortunately here in DFW there aren't alot of varied talk radio stations. They all suck! They are all card carrying conservatives/republicans on the airways here. I'm not.
Today on the radio most of the discussion was spent assailing Dr Kevorkian, this man who fought for MY right to decide when I've had enough or when MY pain has become unbearable/uncontrollable. Dr Kevorkian fought for MY choice to decide when the end is welcomed.
These same "conservatives" have no problem taking a life when we call it "war". It seems to be ok if we take someone elses live, but to take our own.....OH NO~ that's unacceptable? Against the rules of nature? Yeah, maybe, but so is killing someone else because you think they are wrong or in your way for political reasons. Innocent bystanders, women and children are killed in wars all the time, but it's ok because it's a necessary evil of war. Shit happens, right??
We are allowed to take our own life as long as we do it according to the rules. We can buy cigarettes as long as the state can make a profit on it. It's a slow death and sanctioned by the state, but a certain death according to the statistics. That's different~
We can buy alcohol or drugs and kill ourselves that way as long as they are taxed. Legalized and taxed seems to be the key. Quick and intentional is not. That's different.
I bet suicide would be legalized if we could find a way to tax it. By the way, Suicide is illegal?? What moron spent time and money to pass that bill?? The penalty to kill yourself is what? A Fine? Jail time? Community service? Geeesh! What a waste of time and ink to write that law. DOPES!!
Why is it ok and morally acceptable to euthanize a dog if the pain and quality of life has become untolerable and we are convinced that it is in the dog's best interest? How do we square that? My vet recently told me that we may need to consider Abby's "quality of life and our ability to control her pain". Euthanasia might need to be considered, he said. That's different~
Somehow we are able to extend compassion to an animal but deny it for ourselves and our loved ones. That's different?
I appreciate all Dr Kevorkian tried to accomplish for us. I know the costs were high and I hope he knew his efforts were appreciated. He fought to bring dignity to the deathbed.
I may never choose this option. I pray I never need to. But would I want that choice to be mine? ABSOLUTELY!
For those that tell me it's against the will of God. I will work out the details with Him on my judgement day. I will ask Him how come it's ok to kill someone else? How come it's justified for all those different reasons we've accumulated..... war, death penalty, cost overrides...? How come it's ok when it's done "for cause". But not when it's by MY choice?
I don't understand that hypocrisy. I don't think I want to understand it. I don't like it. I don't like the rationalization that it requires. I think it blows!
Dr Kevorkian died in a hospital, hooked up to machines. It was probably his worse nightmare and I think it's fair to assume against his wishes. I read that he was too weak and unable to protest in the end. A sad irony.
Let this be my warning to everyone!! Don't pull that shit on me! If I can't talk or participate in my own end care...... and you'all leave me hooked up to a bunch of wires and crap, i'll come back to haunt the livin' daylights out of you! GOT IT???
Dr Kevorkian may not of been sucessful in the end to change the laws and how we think about death. But we certainly know who he is and what he believed. I respect that about him.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Katrina lessons for Joplin MO
Lately I've been thinking about Hurricane Katrina and the recent tornados in Joplin,
Missouri. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose everything, EVERYTHING! I know what it's like to lose things through a divorce, and because of circumstances. But an act of nature that I have no control over? I've always been responsible for my own failures or misfortunes. It was because of my choices I either made or refused to make that impacted my outcomes. Good and bad.
What must it be like to wake up one morning and know that I haven't got an extra pair of underwear to change into? What if I want a snack... no problem? Go to the cabinet and make a choice, right? I take for granted that I have clothes in my closet that will be there when I want to change into something more comfortable or fitting for an event that requires a different choice. What if I get cold and need a jacket? I take for granted that my toothbrush is in the same place I left it this morning. My car is in the garage where I parked it last night, yes? I may need it to go somewhere tomorrow, it has to be there!
It's fair to assume my child that was in the crib where I put him last night. But now he's missing and blown 2 miles south and landed in a field, ALONE. How does one process this crap? How do you find a rainbow in all this? How do you put one foot in front of the other and begin to build your life back? When does that start?
I don't know the answers, I can't imagine having to face this stuff. But I saw it up close and personal 5 years ago after Hurricane Katrina and i've never forgotten those images and the impact it made on me that day. It's all come back seeing the pictures of Joplin Missouri this past week.
I'll share...
5 years ago... the day after the hurricane in the gulf I was in touch with the Red Cross. I don't remember how that contact was made. Did they call me, did I call them? I forget.
They had asked me if I would take our big truck, a 14 box van to Denton to pick up 400 cots and transport them to the Reunion Center in downtown Dallas. It was the recieving station for the 10's of 1000's of refugees from the gulf states that would arrive throughout that day. They had no processing or accounting of who arrived, that would come later. These were evacuation busses. If there was a seat available you got on and would figure the rest out later. It was pure chaos~
Of course I agreed and off I went. Once I got to Denton, they loaded me up and I headed south on I-35 back into the city. That's where it got interesting.
The traffic coming into Dallas was impossible. Every freeway downtown was at a standstill from every direction. 100's of buses coming in from the south, people coming downtown to donate food, clothing, supplies, ANYTHING! All these good intentioned people were causing more problems by their willingness to help . They were sitting in traffic for 3 hours to donate 3 cases of water, 100 bottles!!! It was impossible to sit home and do nothing. Others had loaded their BBQ's and emptied their freezers. All they were looking for was a place to park and set up their little cafe, hoping to feed hungry, displaced people that were desparate, starving, scared and in some cases literally half naked. On the driveway into the arena, there must of been a 100 BBQ set-ups of people just trying to feed the masses. Trying to DO SOMETHING~ The smell from the BBQ's unfortunately didn't cover up the greasy slimey smell that was overwhelming. The smell was on the people! They were ALL covered in a greasy goop and the smell was dreadful. Add to this some babies had been in the same diapers for 24 hours by this time. It was NOT pleasant.
You had to be there to fully understand what was going on. The evacuees were in shock, the looks on their faces were blank of any emotion. I bet if you asked them today what happened on that day most would draw a blank. They were physically present, but emotional absent. Even the little babies were silent. Among 10,000's of people, including many small children and infants you hardly heard a cry. They were numb.
Back to my adventure with the cots..... After working my way through the traffic nightmare and gaining a "emergency pass" for my truck I was led onto the floor of the arena. They had asked me to drive into the arena where I'd be met by more Red Cross volunteers ready to unload me and get me back on my way to get another 400 cots. So, I snake my big ass boy truck onto the floor of the Reunion Center, through the massive amounts of cots and bodies. They'd clear a path for the trucks and as soon as we'd pass the voids would fill up again behind us. Floor space was a premium and the competition to claim 10 sq feet was fast and furious. Didn't they think that we'd need to remove the trucks at some point? Needless to say, we had to follow the same process to get out.
While I was inside, what I saw will forever change my thinking.
I had about 45-60 minutes to kill while the truck was unloaded and readied to leave. I wandered around and was beyond sad and overwhelmed at the sheer scope of this human disaster. The Reunion Center was a mass of humanity, dirty and broken.
I saw people as I described earlier, in shock, devoid of emotion, hurt, injured, and butt ugly dirty!! They smelled and they knew it.
I went into the ladies restroom and that's where it hit me hardest. Women were in various stages of dress. Some women had pants on. Others had no pants, but had traveled for 8-10 hours on a bus in their underwear. One women had a bra on and had no shirt. She'd traveled like that. Many were naked, trying desparately to wash their underwear out in the sink to put it back on. Others had one leg up on the sink trying to erase the oily gunge that was in every creak and cranny of their bodies. Since the bathroom had no soap left, it was a losing battle and they knew it. It smeared but wouldn't wash off.
Some of these women had injuries where they'd been hurt by debrie. There were alot of cuts and scrapes that had been in dirty nasty water for hours. I imagine some of them would require hefty medical attention before long for their wounds, but the first aid station wasn't up and running yet. It would be a busy place soon.
Right about then something happened that made all of it a little less ugly. The officials started unloading the massive amounts of "stuff" that had been brought downtown and collected around the city. They set up a number of long tables and dumped 100's of boxes of soap, toothbrushes, shampoo, tampons, deodorant, diapers, etc. These women, that moments before seemed defeated began to cry over bottles of soap, tampons, and the simplest of items that we all take for granted. They grabbed equally at half used bars of soap, half full bottles of shampoo. Half used boxes of Kotex were gone in a snap. It was the little things..... Nobody cared that some things were new and packaged nicely. It was soap and exactly what they needed. These woman could now attempt to get cleaned up some. Of course they'd have to put dirty clothes back on, but they had some control of their circumstances. Baby steps.
I've never known what it is like to need something I can't go get. What is it like to need something, REALLY REALLY NEED IT and not have the ability to get it? I don't know. I try to imagine that, but it's difficult to know where to start to feel something so foreign.
If I want something, I will work harder to get it. I will save until I can have it. I will simply get in my car and go buy it. Isn't that how it works? I've never been hungry, or needed something I can't get. Seldom do I not get what I want either. I've never had to rely on someone to feed me, clothe me, provide my basic needs. Dopey stuff like my feminine hygiene products, stuff you never think about but take for granted. These women had NO control of anything. They had no food, no soap, no water, no money and even if they did, they had nowhere to spend it. They had NOTHING and no ability to get it! They didn't have clothes to put on to go shopping. I've never gone shopping in my panties, or with out a shirt. Is it even allowed?
That day these women were at the mercy of people who gave. Or didn't?
I have never forgotten that lesson. Yes, I was very irritated with all those people clogging the freeways trying to donate 100 small bottles of water. What were they thinking?? There are bigger needs and you people are in the way! MOVE!!! I'm guilty of thinking that on that day. Can't you see that your contribution is too small to bother with? This problem is massive and you want to drive 30 miles to donate 100 small bottles of water?? Hmmmpth!! Grrrrrr.
I watched as Walmart pulled up trailer after trailer of food. They'd open up the back and a line a mile long would form. So what that these trucks were full of soda pop, cupcakes, bags of candy and baked goods, chips, all processed food? People were simply hungry and whatever Walmart threw together, fed them. At the time I was a bit critical of Walmart. COME ON WALMART!! You are big shots, you can spare some fruit, some milk, something besides processed food and crap! All over that arena you'd see small children clutching their bag of chips and a 2 litre bottle of pop. It was crap food , but it was food and some of these people hadn't eaten in over 36 hours by then.
I take back all that bad stuff I said about Walmart that day. They knew there was no refridgeration, no storage, no organization to create meals. They simply found a way to get food in those bellies. Soon trailers from Albertsons, Tom Thumb and Kroger showed up. These trailers were packed full of food to help people from being hungry, at least for a while till processes could be set up to feed the masses in some sort of organized way.
Diapers were in good supply again thanks to those trailers. Formula was available for moms who were too stressed to nurse. People brought bottles and pacifiers. Toilet paper, kleenex, chap-stick, OTCantibiotic stuff. Some people brought balls to play with, color books to keep small children distracted and occupied. Clothes began to build in huge piles, used clothes but it was welcome. A bottle of Advil was like gold.
All this happened within about 40-50 minutes.
To all those people who I thought was in the way and whose contribution wasn't worth the inconvience they created with their 100 small bottles of water, I apologize. I am certain that every one of those bottles of water was drunk and appreciated. I better understand your "need" to do something. I felt it too. I was just snotty enough to think my contribution was more important than yours that day.
I hope that people today feel the need to "do something". The people of Joplin need us to "do something". Everyone of us! Send a check to the Red Cross, take a half empty bottle of body wash to a collection site. SOMETHING!! ANYTHING!
Look at those pictures of Joplin, MO again, and again. Imagine how (or if) you'd put one foot in front of the other if you didn't know where your kin were.... dead, alive? Your house, full of your treasures and soap, shampoo, toothpaste, your clothes, coats, car, medicine is now blown across 7 miles and you may never see any of it again.
Every little bit helps. Even 100 small bottles of water.
Karen
Missouri. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose everything, EVERYTHING! I know what it's like to lose things through a divorce, and because of circumstances. But an act of nature that I have no control over? I've always been responsible for my own failures or misfortunes. It was because of my choices I either made or refused to make that impacted my outcomes. Good and bad.
What must it be like to wake up one morning and know that I haven't got an extra pair of underwear to change into? What if I want a snack... no problem? Go to the cabinet and make a choice, right? I take for granted that I have clothes in my closet that will be there when I want to change into something more comfortable or fitting for an event that requires a different choice. What if I get cold and need a jacket? I take for granted that my toothbrush is in the same place I left it this morning. My car is in the garage where I parked it last night, yes? I may need it to go somewhere tomorrow, it has to be there!
It's fair to assume my child that was in the crib where I put him last night. But now he's missing and blown 2 miles south and landed in a field, ALONE. How does one process this crap? How do you find a rainbow in all this? How do you put one foot in front of the other and begin to build your life back? When does that start?
I don't know the answers, I can't imagine having to face this stuff. But I saw it up close and personal 5 years ago after Hurricane Katrina and i've never forgotten those images and the impact it made on me that day. It's all come back seeing the pictures of Joplin Missouri this past week.
I'll share...
5 years ago... the day after the hurricane in the gulf I was in touch with the Red Cross. I don't remember how that contact was made. Did they call me, did I call them? I forget.
They had asked me if I would take our big truck, a 14 box van to Denton to pick up 400 cots and transport them to the Reunion Center in downtown Dallas. It was the recieving station for the 10's of 1000's of refugees from the gulf states that would arrive throughout that day. They had no processing or accounting of who arrived, that would come later. These were evacuation busses. If there was a seat available you got on and would figure the rest out later. It was pure chaos~
Of course I agreed and off I went. Once I got to Denton, they loaded me up and I headed south on I-35 back into the city. That's where it got interesting.
The traffic coming into Dallas was impossible. Every freeway downtown was at a standstill from every direction. 100's of buses coming in from the south, people coming downtown to donate food, clothing, supplies, ANYTHING! All these good intentioned people were causing more problems by their willingness to help . They were sitting in traffic for 3 hours to donate 3 cases of water, 100 bottles!!! It was impossible to sit home and do nothing. Others had loaded their BBQ's and emptied their freezers. All they were looking for was a place to park and set up their little cafe, hoping to feed hungry, displaced people that were desparate, starving, scared and in some cases literally half naked. On the driveway into the arena, there must of been a 100 BBQ set-ups of people just trying to feed the masses. Trying to DO SOMETHING~ The smell from the BBQ's unfortunately didn't cover up the greasy slimey smell that was overwhelming. The smell was on the people! They were ALL covered in a greasy goop and the smell was dreadful. Add to this some babies had been in the same diapers for 24 hours by this time. It was NOT pleasant.
You had to be there to fully understand what was going on. The evacuees were in shock, the looks on their faces were blank of any emotion. I bet if you asked them today what happened on that day most would draw a blank. They were physically present, but emotional absent. Even the little babies were silent. Among 10,000's of people, including many small children and infants you hardly heard a cry. They were numb.
Back to my adventure with the cots..... After working my way through the traffic nightmare and gaining a "emergency pass" for my truck I was led onto the floor of the arena. They had asked me to drive into the arena where I'd be met by more Red Cross volunteers ready to unload me and get me back on my way to get another 400 cots. So, I snake my big ass boy truck onto the floor of the Reunion Center, through the massive amounts of cots and bodies. They'd clear a path for the trucks and as soon as we'd pass the voids would fill up again behind us. Floor space was a premium and the competition to claim 10 sq feet was fast and furious. Didn't they think that we'd need to remove the trucks at some point? Needless to say, we had to follow the same process to get out.
While I was inside, what I saw will forever change my thinking.
I had about 45-60 minutes to kill while the truck was unloaded and readied to leave. I wandered around and was beyond sad and overwhelmed at the sheer scope of this human disaster. The Reunion Center was a mass of humanity, dirty and broken.
I saw people as I described earlier, in shock, devoid of emotion, hurt, injured, and butt ugly dirty!! They smelled and they knew it.
I went into the ladies restroom and that's where it hit me hardest. Women were in various stages of dress. Some women had pants on. Others had no pants, but had traveled for 8-10 hours on a bus in their underwear. One women had a bra on and had no shirt. She'd traveled like that. Many were naked, trying desparately to wash their underwear out in the sink to put it back on. Others had one leg up on the sink trying to erase the oily gunge that was in every creak and cranny of their bodies. Since the bathroom had no soap left, it was a losing battle and they knew it. It smeared but wouldn't wash off.
Some of these women had injuries where they'd been hurt by debrie. There were alot of cuts and scrapes that had been in dirty nasty water for hours. I imagine some of them would require hefty medical attention before long for their wounds, but the first aid station wasn't up and running yet. It would be a busy place soon.
Right about then something happened that made all of it a little less ugly. The officials started unloading the massive amounts of "stuff" that had been brought downtown and collected around the city. They set up a number of long tables and dumped 100's of boxes of soap, toothbrushes, shampoo, tampons, deodorant, diapers, etc. These women, that moments before seemed defeated began to cry over bottles of soap, tampons, and the simplest of items that we all take for granted. They grabbed equally at half used bars of soap, half full bottles of shampoo. Half used boxes of Kotex were gone in a snap. It was the little things..... Nobody cared that some things were new and packaged nicely. It was soap and exactly what they needed. These woman could now attempt to get cleaned up some. Of course they'd have to put dirty clothes back on, but they had some control of their circumstances. Baby steps.
I've never known what it is like to need something I can't go get. What is it like to need something, REALLY REALLY NEED IT and not have the ability to get it? I don't know. I try to imagine that, but it's difficult to know where to start to feel something so foreign.
If I want something, I will work harder to get it. I will save until I can have it. I will simply get in my car and go buy it. Isn't that how it works? I've never been hungry, or needed something I can't get. Seldom do I not get what I want either. I've never had to rely on someone to feed me, clothe me, provide my basic needs. Dopey stuff like my feminine hygiene products, stuff you never think about but take for granted. These women had NO control of anything. They had no food, no soap, no water, no money and even if they did, they had nowhere to spend it. They had NOTHING and no ability to get it! They didn't have clothes to put on to go shopping. I've never gone shopping in my panties, or with out a shirt. Is it even allowed?
That day these women were at the mercy of people who gave. Or didn't?
I have never forgotten that lesson. Yes, I was very irritated with all those people clogging the freeways trying to donate 100 small bottles of water. What were they thinking?? There are bigger needs and you people are in the way! MOVE!!! I'm guilty of thinking that on that day. Can't you see that your contribution is too small to bother with? This problem is massive and you want to drive 30 miles to donate 100 small bottles of water?? Hmmmpth!! Grrrrrr.
I watched as Walmart pulled up trailer after trailer of food. They'd open up the back and a line a mile long would form. So what that these trucks were full of soda pop, cupcakes, bags of candy and baked goods, chips, all processed food? People were simply hungry and whatever Walmart threw together, fed them. At the time I was a bit critical of Walmart. COME ON WALMART!! You are big shots, you can spare some fruit, some milk, something besides processed food and crap! All over that arena you'd see small children clutching their bag of chips and a 2 litre bottle of pop. It was crap food , but it was food and some of these people hadn't eaten in over 36 hours by then.
I take back all that bad stuff I said about Walmart that day. They knew there was no refridgeration, no storage, no organization to create meals. They simply found a way to get food in those bellies. Soon trailers from Albertsons, Tom Thumb and Kroger showed up. These trailers were packed full of food to help people from being hungry, at least for a while till processes could be set up to feed the masses in some sort of organized way.
Diapers were in good supply again thanks to those trailers. Formula was available for moms who were too stressed to nurse. People brought bottles and pacifiers. Toilet paper, kleenex, chap-stick, OTCantibiotic stuff. Some people brought balls to play with, color books to keep small children distracted and occupied. Clothes began to build in huge piles, used clothes but it was welcome. A bottle of Advil was like gold.
All this happened within about 40-50 minutes.
To all those people who I thought was in the way and whose contribution wasn't worth the inconvience they created with their 100 small bottles of water, I apologize. I am certain that every one of those bottles of water was drunk and appreciated. I better understand your "need" to do something. I felt it too. I was just snotty enough to think my contribution was more important than yours that day.
I hope that people today feel the need to "do something". The people of Joplin need us to "do something". Everyone of us! Send a check to the Red Cross, take a half empty bottle of body wash to a collection site. SOMETHING!! ANYTHING!
Look at those pictures of Joplin, MO again, and again. Imagine how (or if) you'd put one foot in front of the other if you didn't know where your kin were.... dead, alive? Your house, full of your treasures and soap, shampoo, toothpaste, your clothes, coats, car, medicine is now blown across 7 miles and you may never see any of it again.
Every little bit helps. Even 100 small bottles of water.
Karen
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Mel Gibson is dirt!!
I've been pretty sick the last week or so so i've had ALOT of time to just lay around and watch TV. The constant coverage of the Mel Gibson tapes has dominated the airwaves during the day lately.
I'm conflicted on how I think about his "tapes". I'm not conflicted in that I hate what he said. I find it beyond offensive and won't EVER spend $ to buy a ticket or rent a movie of his. I can't believe that he was such a great actor that I used to think he was one of the "good guys". Married for 30 years, 37 children by the same woman, blah blah blah.....
This has all brought up thoughts I haven't had to challenge in forever. Do I think of people in terms of their color? Their ethnicity? Their lot in life? I try not to. Are their old biases that may creep in when I'm not paying attention? Yeah, probably. But I will admit to be ashamed once it happens.
My world is richer for knowing people of all colors and ethnicities. I say that, knowing I live in "white bread" North Dallas where conformity and sameness is revered. There aren't that many opportunities around here to have alot of varied expereinces, but they are available.
I listened to Mel Gibson rant about groups of people as if they were soo far less than him. He expressed hatred for people simply because they belonged to a group that he deemed less than worthy. It was an ugly deep seated gut-rot hatred!
Of course we (or at least I) know that this thinking exists, but it's rare that we see it soo raw and exposed.
It was easier to identify these bigots when they wore white coned hats. Perhaps that should be the penalty Mel gets for threatening his girlfriend and beating on her. 30 days in a white coned hat while bagging groceries for the old ladies at the local Piggly Wiggly.
It makes me wonder where that deep seated bigotry comes from and will be ever be free of it?
I look at my kids..... I don't think they even see color like we did when I was younger. It doesn't occur to them that there may be repercussions for bringing home a black friend. Or a Mexican friend. I would of thought twice. OK, maybe 3-4 times and probably then remembered it wouldn't be a good idea. It was a different time.
Another thing that caused me angst this week with regard to the same MG issue.... Many "talking heads" wondered why the girlfriend would stay if he was so ugly to her? SERIOUSLY?? We are still having this discussion?? I was afraid for my TV today. It was in danger.
If I heard one more person/man say " If it was so bad....why did she stay?" I was going to have to reach thru the tv screen and pull his testicles out thru his ears!!!!!
Sometimes women HAVE to stay. At least until they can leave. Some have to save $. Some have to have a safe exit strategy. Others have kids to be concerned about. Insurance for a chronic illness?? WHO KNOWS!!! But these people asking why she stays??? UGH!! I almost lost it a few times today.
Whether it's race issues, or compassion for people in difficult circumstances I wish we were kinder. And more helpful.
Mel Gibson..... You don't owe me an explanation, but i'd hate to be you the day you meet your maker. It may be an uncomfortable day for you, Pal.
I'm going to try to "go organic".
I'm conflicted on how I think about his "tapes". I'm not conflicted in that I hate what he said. I find it beyond offensive and won't EVER spend $ to buy a ticket or rent a movie of his. I can't believe that he was such a great actor that I used to think he was one of the "good guys". Married for 30 years, 37 children by the same woman, blah blah blah.....
This has all brought up thoughts I haven't had to challenge in forever. Do I think of people in terms of their color? Their ethnicity? Their lot in life? I try not to. Are their old biases that may creep in when I'm not paying attention? Yeah, probably. But I will admit to be ashamed once it happens.
My world is richer for knowing people of all colors and ethnicities. I say that, knowing I live in "white bread" North Dallas where conformity and sameness is revered. There aren't that many opportunities around here to have alot of varied expereinces, but they are available.
I listened to Mel Gibson rant about groups of people as if they were soo far less than him. He expressed hatred for people simply because they belonged to a group that he deemed less than worthy. It was an ugly deep seated gut-rot hatred!
Of course we (or at least I) know that this thinking exists, but it's rare that we see it soo raw and exposed.
It was easier to identify these bigots when they wore white coned hats. Perhaps that should be the penalty Mel gets for threatening his girlfriend and beating on her. 30 days in a white coned hat while bagging groceries for the old ladies at the local Piggly Wiggly.
It makes me wonder where that deep seated bigotry comes from and will be ever be free of it?
I look at my kids..... I don't think they even see color like we did when I was younger. It doesn't occur to them that there may be repercussions for bringing home a black friend. Or a Mexican friend. I would of thought twice. OK, maybe 3-4 times and probably then remembered it wouldn't be a good idea. It was a different time.
Another thing that caused me angst this week with regard to the same MG issue.... Many "talking heads" wondered why the girlfriend would stay if he was so ugly to her? SERIOUSLY?? We are still having this discussion?? I was afraid for my TV today. It was in danger.
If I heard one more person/man say " If it was so bad....why did she stay?" I was going to have to reach thru the tv screen and pull his testicles out thru his ears!!!!!
Sometimes women HAVE to stay. At least until they can leave. Some have to save $. Some have to have a safe exit strategy. Others have kids to be concerned about. Insurance for a chronic illness?? WHO KNOWS!!! But these people asking why she stays??? UGH!! I almost lost it a few times today.
Whether it's race issues, or compassion for people in difficult circumstances I wish we were kinder. And more helpful.
Mel Gibson..... You don't owe me an explanation, but i'd hate to be you the day you meet your maker. It may be an uncomfortable day for you, Pal.
I'm going to try to "go organic".
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Today was not a good day~
Grrrr... today was not a good day! I had to go for the deposition for an auto accident I had almost 3 years ago. (Nov 4, 2007) I was rear-ended and had some injuries to my left wrist, elbow and shoulder. 2 surgeries so far and another one to be done shortly. It's been a pain in the neck (pun intended).
Most of you know me, I'm pretty easy going and it takes ALOT to get me riled up. For the most part I've been a happy camper thru the last 2+ years. OK OK OK , I've whined abit and had occaissional bout of pissiness, but for the most part I've done what I've been told, when I've been told to do it, and my follow-thru was explemplary.
Many Dr's have been willing to treat me and do these surgeries with no payment yet, understanding that I was rear-ended and the case would eventually settle. UGH UGH UGH!!
So back to this morning.... I show up. The hitter's atty is there, the court reporter and my atty. Everyone exchanged pleasantries and the deposition began.
The questioning began...... What happened, where were you, which direction were you facing. Were you on drugs, drunk, on the phone. NO, HELL NO!!! What are/were your injuires, dates of your surgeries, names of the Dr's, therapists, etc. All very pleasantly asked by the hitters defense atty with a smile. I was really beginning to like her.
It all lasted a few hours, not too bad. I had been warned it might go 6 hours.
The last question the hitter's defense atty asked me was, "have I been pleasant and polite in conducting this deposition? Yeah, you you've been very polite and considerate, I say. She thanked me. I thanked her back.
One final question she says.......... What would your response be if my client says he never hit you? There was no "accident"?
GRRRRRRRRR... She hit my achilles heel, my sore spot! You may not like what I say, and you may not like how I say it. But don't ever assume I have lied to you. I don't lie!!
Will I tell you that the blouse looks good when it makes you look like a plum on steroids? Yeah, maybe if I know it would hurt your feelings. But I wouldn't say, "It's spectacular, you should of bought it in 3 colors!" I am not beyond trying to spare your feelings if it can be helped. But sometimes the truth is hurtful and neccesary.
The idea that I'd lie about being in a traffic accident 3 years ago and continue a "charade" is beyond explanation. That I'd take advantage of the kindness of Dr's to perform surgeries and trick them into treating me for something that didn't happen ticked me off!! I AM NOT LYING! and for her to insinuate that I am was beyond my limit.
Would I make up crap to hurt you, or take advantage of you. NO, HELL NO!!!
You can call me names, you can judge my character, you can avoid me if i'm unpleasant, but don't EVER call me a liar!!
I would of liked to rip her tonsils out thru her nostrils this morning. And it takes ALOT to rile me up.
Considering that I was never in this accident, you know... the one that never happened?... I wish someone could explain the injuries to me and why I have this chronic pain.
You may not like what I say, but I don't lie. More than that, I don't like the assumption that I do. I have given up very dear relationships where I was lied to. I have no need for liars in my life. I wouldn't even have a relationship with me, if i lied. How's that?
For many years I lied to everyone. Mostly I lied to myself. I'm done with that!! I can deal with any truth. ANY TRUTH!! I can't deal with ANY lies! And for all my efforts I refuse to be called a liar by ANYONE!! Even the hitter's defense atty who can make my life hell with a poor outcome of this trial.
Today was not a good day!
Tomorrow will be better, i'm sure.
I will write a happy blog tomorrow when this one has been forgotten.
I don't like to eat much meat.
Most of you know me, I'm pretty easy going and it takes ALOT to get me riled up. For the most part I've been a happy camper thru the last 2+ years. OK OK OK , I've whined abit and had occaissional bout of pissiness, but for the most part I've done what I've been told, when I've been told to do it, and my follow-thru was explemplary.
Many Dr's have been willing to treat me and do these surgeries with no payment yet, understanding that I was rear-ended and the case would eventually settle. UGH UGH UGH!!
So back to this morning.... I show up. The hitter's atty is there, the court reporter and my atty. Everyone exchanged pleasantries and the deposition began.
The questioning began...... What happened, where were you, which direction were you facing. Were you on drugs, drunk, on the phone. NO, HELL NO!!! What are/were your injuires, dates of your surgeries, names of the Dr's, therapists, etc. All very pleasantly asked by the hitters defense atty with a smile. I was really beginning to like her.
It all lasted a few hours, not too bad. I had been warned it might go 6 hours.
The last question the hitter's defense atty asked me was, "have I been pleasant and polite in conducting this deposition? Yeah, you you've been very polite and considerate, I say. She thanked me. I thanked her back.
One final question she says.......... What would your response be if my client says he never hit you? There was no "accident"?
GRRRRRRRRR... She hit my achilles heel, my sore spot! You may not like what I say, and you may not like how I say it. But don't ever assume I have lied to you. I don't lie!!
Will I tell you that the blouse looks good when it makes you look like a plum on steroids? Yeah, maybe if I know it would hurt your feelings. But I wouldn't say, "It's spectacular, you should of bought it in 3 colors!" I am not beyond trying to spare your feelings if it can be helped. But sometimes the truth is hurtful and neccesary.
The idea that I'd lie about being in a traffic accident 3 years ago and continue a "charade" is beyond explanation. That I'd take advantage of the kindness of Dr's to perform surgeries and trick them into treating me for something that didn't happen ticked me off!! I AM NOT LYING! and for her to insinuate that I am was beyond my limit.
Would I make up crap to hurt you, or take advantage of you. NO, HELL NO!!!
You can call me names, you can judge my character, you can avoid me if i'm unpleasant, but don't EVER call me a liar!!
I would of liked to rip her tonsils out thru her nostrils this morning. And it takes ALOT to rile me up.
Considering that I was never in this accident, you know... the one that never happened?... I wish someone could explain the injuries to me and why I have this chronic pain.
You may not like what I say, but I don't lie. More than that, I don't like the assumption that I do. I have given up very dear relationships where I was lied to. I have no need for liars in my life. I wouldn't even have a relationship with me, if i lied. How's that?
For many years I lied to everyone. Mostly I lied to myself. I'm done with that!! I can deal with any truth. ANY TRUTH!! I can't deal with ANY lies! And for all my efforts I refuse to be called a liar by ANYONE!! Even the hitter's defense atty who can make my life hell with a poor outcome of this trial.
Today was not a good day!
Tomorrow will be better, i'm sure.
I will write a happy blog tomorrow when this one has been forgotten.
I don't like to eat much meat.
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